honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
