All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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