Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
