is your mom at the bar?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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