I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Are we still banned from the library?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
