Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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