i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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