If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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