First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
