I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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