The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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