there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
