I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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