you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
