I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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