Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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