Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
