You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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