someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this boner is exhausting
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
