You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize