First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
