you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
