I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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