The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
