Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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