your parents love me but you hate me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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