Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
