So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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