So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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