I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize