I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
