the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
