yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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