Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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