Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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