Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's the barista slut.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
