Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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