Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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