I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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