someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
