Duck Duck Cougar?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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