I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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