Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
