If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
