Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I get sad thinking about all the sex Iām missing out on because of the virus
I instituted āquarantine and chillā months ago. Itās not like penises go soft just because theyāre working at home.
Randomize