the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
