her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
