Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
