3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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