Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
