i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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