Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
