Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
