Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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