The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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