Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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