Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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