This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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