just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
