i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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