your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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